The First

Who knows how this will go, if I will actually commit to a simple update. I fell like I used to blog or write on my LJ it helped to relieve stress. Which I can always use help in.

I would love to say that over the years I have grown into this amazing person with even more amazing achievements. Sadly it isn't so. I feel like my years with Joe were like a pause. A emotional rollercoster pause. Sometimes I feel like it was all a dream, a nightmare mostly, and I just woke up..Still not in school, still looking for work and still doing a lot of things I don't like about my self. I still dream of the day when I am actually a wife, to a husband who is capable of true love, and I am honestly happy. I tried for so long to be that with him and there were moments I would have given it all to make him better. I guess you could say I did give it all up for him, but as you know that doesn't make someone like that better. I haven't spoken to him in a while and I honestly hope he one day finds what he needs and that whatever that is can make him want to make the change to be better.

All I know is that all I can do is work on making me better and let go of him and his addictions. The last bit of string holding me too him was cut. I feel like even tho its been 2 years since my heart shattered as I told him to go that these last few months have been the actual separation.
I am working on just finding me and feeling alive again which I am finding is harder then trying to keep Joe alive.

Here is to a better life and finding true happiness, however it may come.